I work Saturdays in a shop on H____ Road in Hull. Let’s call the shop Oddbury’s. Every Saturday I write down the funny things I hear. These are real conversations with real people about the things they’re buying and what they mean to them. Names have been changed to protect people’s identities. Paul is my co – worker.
Sat 30th Jan 2016 2:15pm Malcolm 53, unemployed and Paul 59, shop assistant
Scottish Malcolm: You got any Christmas lights?
Paul: Blimey, you’re getting organised early.
Scottish Malcolm: What for?
Paul: (Puzzled) Well, Christmas.
Scottish Malcolm: Nah, cannae stand Christmas.
Scottish Malcolm: Hate it!
Paul: how’s that?
Scottish Malcolm: (sniffs) Just cannae. You got those lights or what?
Paul: got some in the back. Wait here.
Scottish Malcolm: Be quick.
Paul (returning): Got these ones – different colours, light up, flash in different ways, you can have them fast or slow flashing or twinkling. What d’you want with Christmas lights if you don’t like Christmas?
Scottish Malcolm: They’re ‘cos ma wife’s comin’ home t’day.
Paul: she been on holiday?
Scottish Malcolm: Prison.
Scottish Malcolm: Domestic violence towards the dog. But she’s OK now.
Paul: she like Christmas?
Scottish Malcolm: Nah. Ah’m gonna make a love heart in lights above the bed. So she can look at it. While were f***kin’ like.
Paul: right you are.
Malcolm says about his purchase: I’ve missed my wife while she’s been inside. It’s been tough for both of us but I’ve not been able to visit her as much as I’d like. I haven’t been with anyone else like. I just couldn’t afford the bus up there every week. We’ve had our ups and downs, what married couple hasn’t? But I’m going to buy some rose petals and sprinkle them on the bed and with these lights in a nice love – heart shape I think she’ll see I love her. I need a nail gun from B&Q and then I’m off home to put them up. Maybe she won’t batter me for not coming to see her! The Christmas lights are going in the bin if I don’t get any action tonight.