I work Saturdays in a shop on H____ Road in Hull. Let’s call the shop Oddbury’s. Every Saturday I write down the funny things I hear. These are real conversations with real people about the things they’re buying and what they mean to them. Names have been changed to protect people’s identities. Paul is my co – worker.
Saturday 5th March 2016, 10:00 a.m. Paul 59, shop assistant, Unidentified girl late teens – twenties (approx) and Jim 62, works in a secondhand electricals shop
Girl: Do you sell those things that you put in your ears?
Girl: No, for getting the muck out.
Paul: Cotton buds?
Girl: Yeah – you got any? I’ve got this right itch down in my ear. You know one of those ones that’s too deep to reach with your finger?
Jim: My mum always used to say ‘you should never put anything smaller than your elbow in your ear.’
Girl: [Tries to bend her arm so that her elbow will reach her ear]. You can’t get your elbow in your ear.
Girl: I don’t get it.
Jim: You shouldn’t push things down your ear. It could burst the ear drum.
Girl: It’s itching me though. Give us a cotton bud…
Paul: [Fetches some from the shelf]
The girl rips the packet open and tips them out onto the counter.
Paul: Here, I hope you’re going to pay for those.
Girl: I only needed one.
Paul: Well we don’t sell ’em individually…
She ignores him and, tipping her head to one side, begins to root around in her ear with a cotton bud.
Girl: It’s no good. It’s too deep down to reach it. It’s really getting on my tits now.
She pulls the cotton bud out. It is coated in a brownish – orange gunk which she inspects interestedly.
She tentatively brings the bud to her nose and sniffs it. Holding the bud out to Paul she asks…
Girl: Does that smell of bacon to you?
Paul: [Looking horrified] Are you buying these or what?
Girl: Nah. You can keep ’em. [She puts the offending item down on the counter then exits swiftly]
Paul: Well, what a bloody cheek!
Jim: Here, I’m just thinking…
Jim: Well, if her ear – hole smells of bacon…
Jim: Well [he wrinkles his nose] I wonder what her ‘you – know – what’ smells of. [He chuckles, quite pleased with himself]
Paul: Her ‘you – know – what’?
Jim: Yeah, you know… her [he motions downwards with his eyes]
Jim: Her, you know… wizard’s sleeve…
Jim: Her bearded clam…
Paul: Bearded clam?
Jim: You know! God man. Her lady bits.
Paul: Oh. Urgh. How should I know? Probably like a full – English if her ear’s anything to go by.
Overheard anything funny lately? Please share it with us below. It’s more fun when you play along at home!
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