Talking shop - it's grin up North!

Talking Shop #7

I work Saturdays in a shop on H____ Road in Hull. Let’s call the shop Oddbury’s. Every Saturday I write down the funny things I hear. These are real conversations with real people about the things they’re buying and what they mean to them. Names have been changed to protect people’s identities. Paul is my co – worker.

Saturday 5th March 2016, 10:00 a.m. Paul 59, shop assistant, Unidentified girl late teens – twenties (approx) and Jim 62, works in a secondhand electricals shop

Girl: Do you sell those things that you put in your ears?

Paul: Earphones?

Girl: No, for getting the muck out.

Paul: Cotton buds?

Girl: Yeah – you got any? I’ve got this right itch down in my ear. You know one of those ones that’s too deep to reach with your finger?

Jim: My mum always used to say ‘you should never put anything smaller than your elbow in your ear.’

Girl: [Tries to bend her arm so that her elbow will reach her ear]. You can’t get your elbow in your ear.

Jim: Exactly.

Girl: I don’t get it.

Jim: You shouldn’t push things down your ear. It could burst the ear drum.

Girl: It’s itching me though. Give us a cotton bud…

Paul: [Fetches some from the shelf]

The girl rips the packet open and tips them out onto the counter.

Paul: Here, I hope you’re going to pay for those.

Girl: I only needed one.

Paul: Well we don’t sell ’em individually…

She ignores him and, tipping her head to one side, begins to root around in her ear with a cotton bud.

Girl: It’s no good. It’s too deep down to reach it. It’s really getting on my tits now.

She pulls the cotton bud out. It is coated in a brownish – orange gunk which she inspects interestedly.

Paul: Urgh.

She tentatively brings the bud to her nose and sniffs it. Holding the bud out to Paul she asks…

Girl: Does that smell of bacon to you?

Paul: [Looking horrified] Are you buying these or what?

Girl: Nah. You can keep ’em. [She puts the offending item down on the counter then exits swiftly]

Paul: Well, what a bloody cheek!

Jim: Here, I’m just thinking…

Paul: What?

Jim: Well, if her ear – hole smells of bacon…

Paul: Yeah?

Jim: Well [he wrinkles his nose] I wonder what her ‘you – know – what’ smells of. [He chuckles, quite pleased with himself]

Paul: Her ‘you – know – what’?

Jim: Yeah, you know… her [he motions downwards with his eyes]

Paul: What?

Jim: Her, you know… wizard’s sleeve…

Paul: Eh?

Jim: Her bearded clam…

Paul: Bearded clam?

Jim: You know! God man. Her lady bits.

Paul: Oh. Urgh. How should I know? Probably like a full – English if her ear’s anything to go by.

Overheard anything funny lately? Please share it with us below. It’s more fun when you play along at home!

If you liked this, or even if you didn’t, you can read more from Hull’s finest at:

Talking Shop #1

Talking Shop #2

Talking Shop #3

Talking Shop #4

Talking Shop #5

Talking Shop #6


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