Talking shop - it's grin up North!

Talking Shop #7

I work Saturdays in a shop on H____ Road in Hull. Let’s call the shop Oddbury’s. Every Saturday I write down the funny things I hear. These are real conversations with real people about the things they’re buying and what they mean to them. Names have been changed to protect people’s identities. Paul is my co – worker.

Saturday 5th March 2016, 10:00 a.m. Paul 59, shop assistant, Unidentified girl late teens – twenties (approx) and Jim 62, works in a secondhand electricals shop

Girl: Do you sell those things that you put in your ears?

Paul: Earphones?

Girl: No, for getting the muck out.

Paul: Cotton buds?

Girl: Yeah – you got any? I’ve got this right itch down in my ear. You know one of those ones that’s too deep to reach with your finger?

Jim: My mum always used to say ‘you should never put anything smaller than your elbow in your ear.’

Girl: [Tries to bend her arm so that her elbow will reach her ear]. You can’t get your elbow in your ear.

Jim: Exactly.

Girl: I don’t get it.

Jim: You shouldn’t push things down your ear. It could burst the ear drum.

Girl: It’s itching me though. Give us a cotton bud…

Paul: [Fetches some from the shelf]

The girl rips the packet open and tips them out onto the counter.

Paul: Here, I hope you’re going to pay for those.

Girl: I only needed one.

Paul: Well we don’t sell ’em individually…

She ignores him and, tipping her head to one side, begins to root around in her ear with a cotton bud.

Girl: It’s no good. It’s too deep down to reach it. It’s really getting on my tits now.

She pulls the cotton bud out. It is coated in a brownish – orange gunk which she inspects interestedly.

Paul: Urgh.

She tentatively brings the bud to her nose and sniffs it. Holding the bud out to Paul she asks…

Girl: Does that smell of bacon to you?

Paul: [Looking horrified] Are you buying these or what?

Girl: Nah. You can keep ’em. [She puts the offending item down on the counter then exits swiftly]

Paul: Well, what a bloody cheek!

Jim: Here, I’m just thinking…

Paul: What?

Jim: Well, if her ear – hole smells of bacon…

Paul: Yeah?

Jim: Well [he wrinkles his nose] I wonder what her ‘you – know – what’ smells of. [He chuckles, quite pleased with himself]

Paul: Her ‘you – know – what’?

Jim: Yeah, you know… her [he motions downwards with his eyes]

Paul: What?

Jim: Her, you know… wizard’s sleeve…

Paul: Eh?

Jim: Her bearded clam…

Paul: Bearded clam?

Jim: You know! God man. Her lady bits.

Paul: Oh. Urgh. How should I know? Probably like a full – English if her ear’s anything to go by.

Overheard anything funny lately? Please share it with us below. It’s more fun when you play along at home!

If you liked this, or even if you didn’t, you can read more from Hull’s finest at:

Talking Shop #1

Talking Shop #2

Talking Shop #3

Talking Shop #4

Talking Shop #5

Talking Shop #6

 

Talking shop - it's grin up North!

Talking Shop #6

I work Saturdays in a shop on H____ Road in Hull. Let’s call the shop Oddbury’s. Every Saturday I write down the funny things I hear. These are real conversations with real people about the things they’re buying and what they mean to them. Names have been changed to protect people’s identities. Paul is my co – worker.

Saturday 27th February 2016, 4.45 p.m. Paul 59, shop assistant, Assi (Ahsan) owner 45, Amanda 39, works in a livery yard.

Assi is having a cup of tea at the counter. He has recently acquired a stock of paperback books which he has arranged on a carousel next to the counter.

Amanda: Are these modern?

Assi: What? The books? Latest ones out love. These is our Best – Sellers range; blockbusters, new releases onto the market. That’s what we specialise in see?

Amanda: [Glancing around the shop] Really?

Assi: For sure. What kind of thing you in the market for?

Amanda: Well, I’m just looking… These books…

Assi: Yeah?

Amanda: Do they have sex scenes in them?

Assi: No… No not at all. We don’t deal in that kind of… you know… we don’t sell porno.

Amanda: Oh, I see.

Assi: Unless..?

Amanda: Well, the thing is, I buy them for reading in the bath you see…

Assi: Oh…right? [Looking a bit uncertain about this turn in the conversation] Well… [Not sure how to proceed – Assi has never read any of these books. Indeed, it is likely that, other than the people who wrote them, no one has ever read any of these books]… Well, see this one… [he picks up a random book with a with a picture of a doctor on the front of it]… This one’s about a doctor who has sex [pointing to the picture of the doctor]… with his patients…

Amanda: [Looks horrified]

Paul: Isn’t that illegal?

Amanda: I would have thought so. I mean, isn’t that abuse?

Assi: [Hurriedly]… It is set in France though…

Paul: Oh well!

Amanda: That explains it…

Assi: Did I say his patients? [Turning over the book and looking at the back] I meant… his nurses.

Amanda: Oh right! Has it got lesbian stuff in it?

Assi: Definitely not!

Amanda: Ah right, I’m not bothered then…

Assi: Well, some of the nurses are… you know… they think about each other in that way.

Amanda: [Shaking her head] Nah.

Assi: Erm… this one [he picks up a book called ‘Ranch Girl’] – this is a lesbian thing…[looking to Paul for help…]

[Paul hurriedly turns away and starts inspecting a display of fillers and sealants as though it were the roof of the Sistine Chapel.]

Amanda: Yeah? What’s it about?

Assi: Erm… lesbians.

Amanda: Right?

Assi: Yeah… they live on a ranch near… [he taps the blurb on the back of the book]… where was it now? Near Scunthrope!

Amanda: What?

Assi: Erm…

Amanda: What kind of ranch is it?

Assi: They farm poultry mainly, and some pigs…

Amanda: A chicken farm?

Assi: More of a chicken ranch really.

Amanda: Doesn’t sound very…

Assi: No, no, it’s a good one this… quality erm, you know… some quality scenes… if you’re reading in the bath…

Amanda: Right?

Assi: Yeah. Read it myself this one. Not in the bath obviously. I have them next to the loo so when I’m taking a… when I’m sat down on the loo, I can just open a book and have a good old… read of it.

Amanda. I think I’ll leave it. You got any rawl plugs?

Paul: [Emphatically] Yes.

Amanda bought a pack of red rawl plugs. She was very happy with her purchase.

Says Assi: I don’t believe in reading, I mean, unless it’s an invoice or something – ‘cos – these cash and carry places, they’ll rip you off soon as look at you so you got to check what they charging you for, you know? See stories though, that people have made up – why would you read that stuff when there’s so much real – life stuff happening in the world? I don’t read the paper though to be fair. Too depressing.

Says Paul: The last book I bought was a Haynes manual for a Ford Cortina.

Overheard anything funny lately? Please share it with us below. It’s more fun when you play along at home!

If you liked this, or even if you didn’t, you can read more from Hull’s finest at:

Talking Shop #1

Talking Shop #2

Talking Shop #3

Talking Shop #4

Talking Shop #5